a case of you [james blake]

found this little treasure today.
i hope it gives you the same shivers it gave me.

my life in bullet points

based on my last post and my six-month absence from blogging ever since, you might have begun to think that the rapture actually did happen. while i wish i had an apocalyptic excuse for my neglect of our heart to hardt, i don't. (unless you consider five upper-division courses, two jobs, and work on my teaching credential apocalyptic). nevertheless, here is my obligatory "don't worry, i'm still alive" post and a brief, bullet-pointed update on my life:

• nathan and i celebrated 5 years together (i love that man more than ever)
• got in on a styffe family vacation, yosemite style

• had some adventures in the beaver state
• i turned twenty-two
• i have a new roommate, in the form of a very old, very good friend
• substitute taught for a 10th grade english class (scary, but amazing)
• i've been accepted to a teach conversational english in asia this summer and can't wait to fill you in on all the details
  

welp, it's six o'clock on may twenty-first and the rapture hasn't happened.
tough break, harold camping. maybe the myans will have better luck next december.

"october fullness" by pablo neruda
[quite possibly my new favorite poem]

little by little, and also in great leaps,
life happened to me,
and how insignificant this business is.
these veins carried
my blood, which i scarcely ever saw,
i breathed the air of so many places
without keeping a sample of any.
in the end, everyone is aware of this:
nobody keeps any of what he has,
and life is only a borrowing of bones.
the best thing was learning not to have too much
either of sorrow or of joy,
to hope for the chance of a last drop,
to ask more from honey and more from twilight.

perhaps it was my punishment.
perhaps i was condemned to be happy.
let it be known that nobody
crossed my path without sharing my being.
i plunged up to the neck
into adversities that were not mine,
into all the sufferings of others.
it wasn't a question of applause or profit.
much less. it was not being able
to live or breathe in this shadow,
the shadow of others like towers,
like bitter trees that bury you,
like cobblestones on the knees.

our own wounds heal with weeping,
our own wounds heal with singing,
but in our own doorway lie bleeding
windows, indians, poor men, fishermen.
the miner's child doesn't know his father
amidst all that suffering.

so be it, but my business
was
the fullness of the spririt:
a cry of pleasure choking you,
a sigh from an uprooted plant,
the sum of all action.

it pleased me to grow with the morning,
to bathe in the sun, in the great joy
of sun, salt, sea-light and wave,
and in that unwinding of the foam
my heart began to move,
growing in that essential spasm,
and dying away as it seeped into the sand.

to travel

i try but fail to contain my devastating desire to travel. somewhere, anywhere. i am engulfed in the urge to see and experience all things new. i need my breath to be taken away by something bigger than poetry and pictures. i want to be in a place, have an adventure, that stirs in me the need to create literature and art of my own. i feel like finding myself and losing myself amidst landscapes that swallow me whole and architecture that bewilders me. i am eager to absorb a culture; eastern, western. it makes no difference. i long for the goosebumps and heart-skips that the wonders of the world have given me before. i want to, need to, deeply desire to travel. somewhere. anywhere. please.

a terrorist dies, america cheers, and i write a blog

my heart is conflicted on a daily basis. but tonight it is torn in two pieces. two pieces that have been thrown on opposite sides of a great, tall wall. osama bin laden has been killed, and i can almost hear the unanimous roar of american pride resounding through the nation. in fact, i can hear it. loud and clear. my t.v. is on in the background, and america' s voice is coming through the speakers chanting, "U-S-A! U-S-A!" but i've found myself incapable of cheering along.

i love my country; really, i do. and i so understand and even feel the sense of justice pulsing through the veins of the united states. this country lost thousands of lives at the hands of terrorism and bin laden. he has been the face of the enemy, of evil, of terrorism these past ten years. and for many, his death represents a victory over all of those. but in the midst of all the hype, all the congratulations and hoo-rahs, i can't help but stop and wonder if god would be chanting too, would be high-fiving america. i sort of doubt it.

people might find me insane, may call me crazy, but after hearing president obama's address to the nation, i took a moment to think about what had happened, to think about osama bin laden, and out of the blue popped psalms 139 into my mind. bin laden was a child of god. he was "fearfully and wonderfully made." i mean, wasn't he? i know it sounds unfathomable, but i believe it's true. and no matter how utterly monsterous the man was, god still loved osama bin laden. i mean, didn't he?

i'm not saying that i am mourning the man's death. far from it. there's a part of me--you know, the other side of my heart on the other side of the wall--that's glad he's dead. that is relieved that he's gone. that finds justice in his death. i read a quote tonight, some words of mark twain that resonated with me: "i've never wished a man dead, but i have read some obituaries with great pleasure." i want to embrace that pleasure. i wish i could. but i don't think i'll be shouting "U-S-A!" and fist-bumping america. at least, not with my whole heart.

these three poets belong on my book shelf.
why they aren't there already is a mystery to me...

langston hughes

e. e. cummings

robert frost

"the minute i heard my first love story
i started looking for you, not knowing
how blind that was.

lovers don't finally meet somewhere.
they're in each other all along."

- - - - -

"we weep God's rain.
we laugh God's lightning."

- - - - -

"listen to the presences inside poems,
let them take you where they will.

follow those private hints,
and never leave the premises"

- - - - -

-rumi, selected poems

seven days, four states, one spring break

it's that time of year, and spring break has sprung again. that is, it sprang last week and has now wilted away, leaving behind only memories, photographs, and a good amount of home work that i neglected on my many days off. last year, i literally stayed in my pajamas 99% of the time and embraced every moment of rest and relaxation that seven days without school provided. however, this year, i nixed the r & r and spent my break state-hopping and adventure-having on the east coast. we (varying combinations of alanna, jared, nikki, claudia, and myself) ate cupcakes in georgetown; road-tripped to new york, where we frolicked through the city streets and took in a goose-bump-giving production of phantom of the opera; made a pit stop in philidelphia to eat some cheesestake and put on our best rocky impressions; consumed large amounts of country cuisine at cracker barrel (in virginia and new jersey); explored the smithsonians and beheld the monuments in washington d.c.; and had an all around wonderful time experiencing new places and reexperiencing old ones.

d.c. cupcakes in georgetown

smithsonian the monument & me
philidelphia: the windy city. ...oh wait, that's chicago? are you sure?

rocky!conquering the rocky steps
30 rock-yum!

poison & wine [the civil wars]

this song is just too beautiful not to share.

happy birthday dr. seuss

"today you are you, that is truer than true. there is no one alive who is youer than you." -dr. seuss

(shell silverstein and dr. seuss? this bookshelf has my heart)

if he were still around, theodor seuss geisel would turn 104 today. i wish rather badly that the man were still here, to fill more pages with silly scribblings and imaginative stories and rhymes. nevertheless, he's left behind some wonderful work and some thoughtful thoughts, and i love them all quite a lot. so thanks, dr. seuss & happy birthday.

remember the days?

remember the days i used to blog? let me be the first to admit that i not only failed my new year's resolution of being a better blogger, but that i've been a worse blogger in the past couple months than i've ever been before. it's no coincidence that the posts stopped the first week of the spring semester. upper division classes and a dedication to graduating summa cum laude have pushed blogging down on the priority list, among other things.

but don't worry, my other commitments will not keep me from blogging entirely. i have a week off of school starting saturday, and will be flying to the wonderful world of washington...dc that is. i'll be spending time with the dearest alanna moine, nikki lalague, and claudia iglesias whilst exploring the nation's capitol. i'm hoping that at some point over the break i'll be able to catch up on all the things i've been wanting to share with you, as well as blog about the trip itself. so, here's to hoping for some down time, some blog time. in the mean time, here's a few posts sitting in my "drafts" pile, just waiting to be published, to be part of this heart to hardt:

+TAG: a new transfer student program at plnu
+slow-cooking sundays: my crock-pot and me
+journey: my new home church!

l-o-v-e

i am in love with a wonderful man. and i adore the fact that there is a day to celebrate him, and us, and our love.

i also happen to be in love with my friends and my family and all those people who i might not kiss on the mouth but still hold close to my heart. so, don't feel left out. this day is for you, too.

most of all, though, this day (like any other day) is about our god; he's the one who made love possible in the first place. and i for one am so grateful that he did.

"we love because he first loved us" -1 john 4:19

happy valentine's day. i hope that your day is filled with loving others and feeling loved. and maybe some chocolate and flowers and cards, too.

“justice at its best is love correcting all that stands against love.”–Martin Luther King Jr.

silence

10. which is worse, being in a
place that is too loud, or too quiet?

i am all about silence. all. about. it. in my opinion, there is no such thing as too quiet. in fact, it's difficult for me to function when i'm surrounded by noise. things like reading and writing, and sleeping and thinking become impossible for me unless it's utterly silent. the more quiet, the better. too loud, on the other hand? there are plenty of things that are too loud. the screaming, shouting, grunting boys that play football outside my window, for example. or the drummer who lives on the other side of my wall and likes to host band practice at my expense. apartment complexes in general--too loud. don't get me wrong, i love where i live. but i also love silence.

i am not affianced

9. how long was it from 'the first date' until the proposal of marriage? how long until the wedding?

this questionnaire seems to be under the impression that i am engaged. i hate to break it to you, survey, but the diamonds and white gold on my left hand is a purity ring, not an engagement ring. and though i've been dating the same guy for four and a half years, he remains to be merely my boyfriend and not my fiance. i could see why you might be confused, though, and so i'll let it slide. but i expect you to remember from now on that i am not affianced.

ready or not

it's that time again. winter break is over as classes begin at 8:30 tomorrow morning. one thing i've found is that the start of spring semester never has the same romantic air to it as that of the fall semester. it very well may be because we've already just spent four months with our noses in books, and the thought of doing it some more so soon seems daunting rather than rousing. three weeks away from school, papers, and tests is not enough time to come to miss it. over summer, when those weeks become months, we begin to forget the headaches and stresses of school, and find ourselves ready and excited to fill our brains with new curricula by the end of it. there's also something about september that just makes a person feel scholarly. whether it be the changing air and leaves that we associate with freshly sharpened pencils and new notebooks, the back-to-school sales that help ease us in the the academic mind set, or what have you. january doesn't just doesn't help build the same anticipation. it leaves us missing the holiday season more than the classroom. at least, that's how i feel. with all that said, i may not feel ready to go back to class, or wake up at 7am, or write papers and take tests. but i am ready to learn more, grow more, and take in all this semester has to offer. ready or not, spring semester, here i come.

rock, paper, scissors

8. rock, paper, or scissors?

rock. ...definitely rock. most people pick scissors. maybe it's because it's the word you say while you decide which weapon you're going with, who knows. but that seems to be the case. so, the majority of the time i've found that paper loses, scissors ties, and rock wins. rock always (okay, usually) wins. also, do you realize how silly it is to believe paper could destroy rock? it's completely unrealistic. it's no wonder that the name of the game starts with rock. rock is just the best. i choose rock.

captain hook

7. what do you think captain hook's name was before he had a hook for a hand?

my theory, and you might disagree, is that his name was captain hook all along, even before the tragic loss of his hand. see, i think that he replaced his hand with a hook because of his name, to provide a visual representation of who he was. rather than being named for the hook, the hook was created for him. i mean, that's what makes the most sense. why else would someone want a hook for a hand? there are so many more advantageous items that could've been used instead. if his name was captain back scratcher, he would never again have an itch he couldn't scratch. captain bubble gum machine? he would've been much more well-liked by children. a pen would've been my first choice--how handy would it be to have one at all times rather than digging around in a desk drawer or purse? a hammer, screw driver, or ruler all might have come in more handy than a hook. and, needless to say, it would've been a lot easier for everyone had his name been captain hand. i know it may be a long shot, but that's my theory and i'm sticking with it.

messy or clean?

6. are you messy or clean?

my friends have told me that i look like a clean person. upon first meeting me, people seem to assume i'm a neat freak. take one look at my hand writing, and you might feel the same (it's often been compared to computer typing). there are some other things about me that are very put together. however, take one look at my car or my room, and you will instantly feel much, much differently. in short, i am messy. very, very messy. cleaning just doesn't come naturally to me. i never grew up in a home where having a tidy room was a necessity nor a priority. i also don't mind messes. it doesn't bother me to have clothes all over the floor or my bed unmade for weeks on end. and while i'm content with being a messy person, i also realize that it's something i should work on. if you saw my new years resolutions, then you saw that this is an area of my life that i know needs some change. so, ask me this question again in a year and i hope to give you a much, much different answer.

movie snack

5. what is your concession stand must-have at the movies?

truth be told, i am not a candy-lover, soda-lover, nor a popcorn-lover. the good thing about this is that i'm rarely tempted to spend the $84 it costs to get any of these items at the movie theater. however, there are times when my shy little sweet tooth pipes up and i give in. when i do, it's either dibs (the chocolate-covered ice cream balls) or bunch-a-crunch (little pieces of a nestle's crunch bar). all in all, though, there are no "must-haves" when it comes to me, the movies, and concession stands.

vacation

4. it's your first day of vacation, what are you doing?

first of all, i would be at kukio. it's a private resort on the shore of kona, hawaii. i haven't been there in six years and so often wish i could go back. it's owned by nathan's uncle who is a friend of my dad. and so, funny story. my family had vacationed there twice, spending time with his uncle's family in hawaii, before i had even met nathan. and then we ended up dating. sometimes this world feels so small. but moving on from the tangent and back to the question. i wouldn't want to pack in too much fun in the first day, but then again...yes, i would. so, i'm laying out on the private beaches, drinking smoothies, reading a book, swimming in the pool, going spear fishing and canoe riding, napping in the hammock, eating hawaiian banana bread, playing with sea turtles, getting a massage, manicure, pedicure, and facial, and ending the day eating a five-star meal. sounds heavenly, right? i'm jealous of the fifteen-year-old me that spent her spring break at kukio doing all of these things.

a childhood memory

3. what is your favorite childhood memory?

childhood is far too much fun to only have a single favorite memory. i have dozens. but i'll share just one of them with you: my fifth birthday. it was the biggest and best birthday party i've had to this day. my parents invited everyone in kindergarten to join in the festivities, and we spent the afternoon in the park, playing games, eating cake, and opening presents. i can still feel the summer sun on my freshly-turned-five-year-old cheeks as we sat in a circle and i unwrapped my very favorite present of all. it was a small jewelry box with a ballerina that, when opened, would pop up and twirl to a soft tinkling tune that i can't seem to recall; i only remember that i loved it.

burgers

2. what are your choice of toppings on a hamburger?
and do you prefer gas or charcoal grilling?

i'm gonna be honest and say that i'm not a hamburger connoisseur. so i will go ahead and disregard the latter question as i have no idea what the answer is. as far as toppings go, my choice would be cheese, grilled onions, lettuce, and a little bit of ketchup. sometimes, though, if i feel like clogging my arteries a little bit more than usual, i love a burger with onion rings, barbecue sauce, and bacon. oh, and cheese. cheese is always good on everything. it's a fact.

...is it just me, or does a hamburger sound really good all of the sudden?

costume party

1. if you were to attend a costume party

tonight, what or whom would you go as?

an important part of costume parties is their theme. no one just throws a "costume party." they throw a things-starting-with-the-letter-s party, or a super star party. both of which i've been to and went as a sailor and baby spice, in case your were wondering. the point is that i don't appreciate the lack of specificity of this question. but with all that aside, i suppose that if i could attend any costume party, it would be a masquerade ball. i got a beautiful mask while in venice a few summers back, and have yet to find an excuse to wear it. along with that mask i'd wear a fantastic gown that twirls and flows like any dreamy dress aught to. and while it may be bending the rules, i would not go as anything or anyone specific. just a girl in a mask from a magical city in italy.

the pursuit of better blogging

or just more blogging, at least. let's be honest, through the duration of fall semester i was less than awesome at blogging. as i mentioned previously, one of my new year's resolutions is to blog more often, and to guarantee that i get off to a good start i'm going to steal an idea that i've seen going around tumblr. it's a very myspace-esque survey-thing, circa two-thousand-and-five, but it'll do the job just fine. i'm going to post a post every day for the next thirty days, and to make sure i do it, i've got a list of thirty questions to answer. one for each day of january. i full heartedly encourage you to join in. steal my questions, find new ones, or make your own. if you don't have a blog, post your own answers as comments to mine. may this interrogative heart-to-hardt get me back on track, help you learn a little bit about me, and visa-versa. here are the questions:

1. If you were to attend a costume party tonight, what or whom would you go as? 2. What are your choice of toppings on a hamburger? And do you prefer gas or charcoal grilling? 3. What is your favorite childhood memory? 4. It's your first day of vacation, what are you doing? 5. What is your concession stand must-have at the movies? 6. Are you messy or clean? 7. What do you think Captain Hook's name was before he had a hook for a hand? 8. Rock, paper, or scissors? 9. How long was it from 'the first date' until the proposal of marriage? How long until the wedding? 10. Which is worse, being in a place that is too loud, or too quiet? 11. What is one quality that you really appreciate in a person? 12. At the good old general store, what particular kind of candy would you expect to be in the big jar at the counter? 13. What is the most distinguishing landmark in your city? 14. Everyone hears discussions that they consider boring. What topic can put you to sleep quicker than any other? 15. How many times did it take you to pass your drivers test? 16. If you had to have the same topping on your vanilla ice cream for the rest of your life, what topping would you choose? 17. What food item would need to be removed from the market altogether in order for you to live a healthier, longer life? 18. You are offered an envelope that you know contains $50. You are then told that you may either keep it or exchange it for another envelope that may contain $500 or may be empty. Do you keep the first envelope, or do you take your chances with the second? 19. If you had to choose, which would you give up: cable t.v. or internet? 20. What is your highest level of education? 21. What are you looking forward to right now? 22. What kind of lunch box did you have as a kid? 23. What would you rather have, a nanny, a housekeeper, a cook, or a chauffeur? 24. Would you rather be trapped in an elevator, or stuck in traffic? 25. Lets say a brick fell on your foot, and your kid is standing right next to you, what is your 'cleaned up' swear word? 26. How many children would you like to have and what will you name them? 27. Have you ever gotten a traffic ticket? 28. When was the last time you cried? 29. Tattoos & piercings? 30. If you could be anywhere in the world right now, where would you be?

new year, new resolutions

be a better blogger
i nearly went a whole month without blogging this past october. unacceptable. and the few posts that i have posted in the past months have been sub-par at best. a song here, a quote there. not okay. time to get back to being a better blogger.




find a church
since high school, i have not regularly attended a church. being an ex-pastor's daughter, i am all too familiar with church politics and drama, and the last experience with a church left my family somewhat scarred. however, that is no excuse for not having committed to one in san diego yet. i have been to a church called the flood quite a bit, and i do like it, but want to try a few others before deciding and committing to it.

learn to cook
i'm 21 years old. it's time to broaden my culinary horizons past macaroni & cheese, tuna helper, and other sundry meals that come in a box. for christmas i got a slow cooker and intend to use it once a week for the next 56 weeks. and by the end of the year, i want to make my own recipe.



run a marathon
not anything crazy. a 5k, 8k, or maybe a 10k. one of the k's, depending on how things go. i just got new running shoes and intend to break them in ASAP. right now i can't run a mile in under eight minutes or touch my toes. so, along with this resolution comes getting in shape. so cliche, i know. feel free to roll your eyes.

become organized, tidy, & clean
i'm usually pretty good at this for the first few weeks of the semester. but as time goes on, various papers get shoved in various text books and by the time finals roll around, my notes are nearly impossible to find and sort through. this year, though, i am determined to use folders and stay organized. this resolution doesn't only apply to school, though. if you've been in my room or car, you know that any and all organization, tidiness, and cleanliness is much lacking there as well. i solemnly swear to clean both once a week.